Monday, April 18, 2011

A different, more successful perspective

Hello fellow SUMILLIE followers, I'm a friend of the writers who doesn't suck at getting boys. So, I've been invited to publicly display my talents in a series of SUMILLIE posts entitled "A Guide to Getting Dudes for Girls that Don't Get Dudes." A little background on me (and yes, I am ashamed about some of these): If there's one thing I have excelled at in life, besides not becoming a teen mom (yay twenties!), its stealing dudes from other girls. Yes, it's been bad, but let me tell you that nothing brightens a day like knowing a dude likes you more than his girlfriend.

On a less conniving note, I've honed my dude-catching skills and here are my gems of advice. I hope they are somewhat successful for you, as they have been for me:

1. Stay within your league. If you at least a 5, anyone is in your league because lets be serious--Dudes really just want to fuck. If the dude your into tells you something different, jump ship because he's gay.

2. Always smile when talking to a dude, unless you have an unusually gorgeous frowning face. Otherwise, smile.

3. Touch a dude in passing. Not while talking to him, only in passing. 

4. Look adoring. Smile with your eyes like your trying to woo Tyra Banks, and BE enthralled.

5. Don't make over the top sexual jokes. That's just awkward.
5b. Don't make other weird comments that you think will make the dude think your quirky and cool, like "I like dinosaurs/ninjas/distance (that doesn't even make sense?)/corn." Because even if you do like those things, you don't like them enough to talk about them. And if you DO like them enough to talk about, well then you're not even a 5, and you should hit up because I can only work with so little raw material.

6. Instead of stupid things, tell the dude random, funny anecdotes about you, and you with your friends. Mostly stories about being drunk are best. That way, the dude will know you have friends and will think that you're fun.

7. Hang out with girls that are uglier than you. Sub-5s are best for this.

8. AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE: After a dude knows that you are into him, and, thank the lord, he gives you the impression he's into you too, ignore him. Every time you initiate a text conversation you LOSE. Everytime the dude does, you WIN. Never lose more than you win because then if you do, you are in the midst of a losing season, and as you all know too well, no dudes want a loser. Be a winner, and then you won't be loser. Simple.

That's all for now. Good luck, and goodnight.

From One to Another

Dear Co-blogger,

Today I find myself willingly surrendered in the wide flung arms of procrastination. As I write this to you, I am cradled in the warm and loving embrace of my bed, nesting with my 5 pillows, 1 body pillow, and three stuffed animals: Blacky, Fluffy, and the head of that Moose you killed last week. In the throes of boredom, I suspiciously find myself writing notes to you on loose leaf paper at 3 in the morning, but today I decided to do something more permanent. Here's one for the textbooks, my lonely comrade, the summary of my day:

I missed my first class because I was having one of those rodeo dreams I always tell you about. And as usual I woke up tied to my bed with that lasso I bought off ebay. I'm not complaining, I mean those dreams are better than real life, but it takes me a good 20 minutes to undo.

I left my house with my hair down because I feel oddly liberated when it's blowing in the wind. Halfway through the day, and a half day later than everyone else, I felt bored with myself. Ready to reinvent myself I went to the bathroom, put my hair up and left a new woman.

My shoelace was untied today and someone was nice enough to tell me. I looked down and then he flicked me in nose. But I still think it was a kind gesture, after all tripping in public would have been worse than the nose flick, but then he tripped me. But at least someone noticed me. I think it was the deep blue eyeshadow I wore today. It's very elegant.

 You know what, forget it. My day sucked. Speaking of sucking, I can tell you about my love life. I seem to have misplaced it. I know you have some troubles in that department as well, so I just wanted to make sure that you knew you could talk to me about it whenever you want, I'm pretty good at giving advice, as someone who has a lot of experience under my belt concerning issues below the belt...I've seen a lot of Grey's Anatomy.

Anyways, I overheard someone talking about you in the library today. Don't worry I haven't noticed any of the weight they said you've gained. I also saw another girl wearing Uggs too, don't worry I'm sure everyone knows you got them first, yours are in much worse condition. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery....I guess rape is the least sincere.

Did you know I almost wore a skirt today?


Wednesday, April 6, 2011


In the spirit of self-sacrifice, we have asked all our guy friends to give up not dating us. People are not as religious as they used to be...