To all our TWELVE followers,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING OBSESSED WITH US! You guys make it easier to stop crying.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Supress the Psycho
We all suffer from delusions of adequacy, especially on weekends. Especially when we are in love. Stop being in love on the weekend, its never a good idea.
You start off the night, looking in the mirror, humbled by ALL your flaws. You instantly have appreciation for all those who have found it in their hearts to care for you, who even care about you in public. You leave the house with no intention of pressing your luck. No, not tonight. But little do you know that a repressed psycho fueled by alcohol induced confidence is lurking within you. Ready to sever every tie you have........ uh...tied.
You start off in the comfort of your closest friends. Laughing, joking, slapping, boosting each others egos. You fail to recognize the backhanded compliments of some. You take "Wow, somebody got a full night of sleep last night!" as "You look good!" No, you just look better, that doesn't mean good, or pretty. You start believing the obligatory well-crafted lies of others. You start thinking that maybe you've been selling short, you are actually really cool, everyone loves you! BIG mistake. Nevertheless, your ego begins to swell. You're feeling pretty average...a personal high. Maybe this is your lucky night.
There's a lull in conversation. You open your phone to find no missed calls, no new messages. Your finger finds the down button--shortcut to a new message. Why is this so simple? Why are there only two clicks to destroying your life? We don't realize how invaluable insecurity is. Most don't know that insecurity is your psycho's only kryptonite. When abandoned, social suicide is inevitable. The texting starts like this:
"hEyy you"
no response
"did yu get my txt? (emoticon of your preference)"
no response
You get the hint, you feel pretty bad, more drinking ensues. Twenty minutes and 4 shots later, you're starting to feel better. A rollercoaster of confidence. Texting round two! You look past the banner on your cell phone which reads " Don't get carried away. Keep the ego at bay" and decide to take a more direct approach this time. Caution to the wind!
"have yur way wit me"
no response
Five minutes later you start to see the folly in your ways, time to remedy the situation...by texting them incessantly! Two (or 7) wrongs make a right, right?!
"have it yor way?"
NICE Burger King reference!
" Your way or teh highway?"
you're on a roll now
"Which way? "
two seconds later
" Sideways?"
you answered your own question..poor form.
followed by
"Weighing ur options?"
Then you text yourself you to make sure you are still receiving texts. You are. You've officially ruined your chances of ever being loved.
Because cell phones don't have a way of gauging if your confidence is appropriately low enough to text, ask yourself these few questions next weekend before you text someone your true feelings.
"How much do I weigh?" ...humbled.
"Has anyone called or texted me in the past 5 days?"....humiliated.
Okay great, that should stop you. Psycho suppressed.
You start off the night, looking in the mirror, humbled by ALL your flaws. You instantly have appreciation for all those who have found it in their hearts to care for you, who even care about you in public. You leave the house with no intention of pressing your luck. No, not tonight. But little do you know that a repressed psycho fueled by alcohol induced confidence is lurking within you. Ready to sever every tie you have........ uh...tied.
You start off in the comfort of your closest friends. Laughing, joking, slapping, boosting each others egos. You fail to recognize the backhanded compliments of some. You take "Wow, somebody got a full night of sleep last night!" as "You look good!" No, you just look better, that doesn't mean good, or pretty. You start believing the obligatory well-crafted lies of others. You start thinking that maybe you've been selling short, you are actually really cool, everyone loves you! BIG mistake. Nevertheless, your ego begins to swell. You're feeling pretty average...a personal high. Maybe this is your lucky night.
There's a lull in conversation. You open your phone to find no missed calls, no new messages. Your finger finds the down button--shortcut to a new message. Why is this so simple? Why are there only two clicks to destroying your life? We don't realize how invaluable insecurity is. Most don't know that insecurity is your psycho's only kryptonite. When abandoned, social suicide is inevitable. The texting starts like this:
"hEyy you"
no response
"did yu get my txt? (emoticon of your preference)"
no response
You get the hint, you feel pretty bad, more drinking ensues. Twenty minutes and 4 shots later, you're starting to feel better. A rollercoaster of confidence. Texting round two! You look past the banner on your cell phone which reads " Don't get carried away. Keep the ego at bay" and decide to take a more direct approach this time. Caution to the wind!
"have yur way wit me"
no response
Five minutes later you start to see the folly in your ways, time to remedy the situation...by texting them incessantly! Two (or 7) wrongs make a right, right?!
"have it yor way?"
NICE Burger King reference!
" Your way or teh highway?"
you're on a roll now
"Which way? "
two seconds later
" Sideways?"
you answered your own question..poor form.
followed by
"Weighing ur options?"
Then you text yourself you to make sure you are still receiving texts. You are. You've officially ruined your chances of ever being loved.
Because cell phones don't have a way of gauging if your confidence is appropriately low enough to text, ask yourself these few questions next weekend before you text someone your true feelings.
"How much do I weigh?" ...humbled.
"Has anyone called or texted me in the past 5 days?"....humiliated.
Okay great, that should stop you. Psycho suppressed.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
7 Ways to Avoid Hooking Up With Anyone
We feel very qualified to give you advice on not hooking up since we are so experienced. Here are just a few of our own techniques:
1. Verbally dare them to hook up with you.
2. Break up with them before anything happens between the two of you.
The conversation will look something like this:
You: I think we should stop seeing each other
Them: We are not dating
You: You are taking this sooo well
Them: We never dated, I don't even know you.
You: I feel like I don't know the person you have become, either. This is exactly why we need to end things. I am so glad you agree.
Them: *walks away*
You: Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...
3. If they hug you, go limp in their arms, so when they let go you fall.
4. Follow them into the bathroom
5. Walk into a wall.
6. Have someone else dare them to hook up with you.
7. Be yourself.
Hook up averted!
1. Verbally dare them to hook up with you.
2. Break up with them before anything happens between the two of you.
The conversation will look something like this:
You: I think we should stop seeing each other
Them: We are not dating
You: You are taking this sooo well
Them: We never dated, I don't even know you.
You: I feel like I don't know the person you have become, either. This is exactly why we need to end things. I am so glad you agree.
Them: *walks away*
You: Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...
3. If they hug you, go limp in their arms, so when they let go you fall.
4. Follow them into the bathroom
5. Walk into a wall.
6. Have someone else dare them to hook up with you.
7. Be yourself.
Hook up averted!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Crack Kills
All of you have that pair of jeans that fits perfectly when you are standing up and motionless, but the second you move, crack starts to show. We were going to write about this phenomena but we decided it was too revealing.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Advice for Awkward Situations: 1st Installment
Sometimes we see a stranger from afar and mistake them for someone we know. Like that time you reached out to hug that guy and "he" turned out to be your body pillow, and you realize you went to bed alone...again. Mistaking someone you really don't know for a friend, however, is much more embarrassing than this private bedroom mix-up with your pillow. It usually starts something like this...
You've been having an okay day. You woke up with your eyes not swollen from crying for once.You shower, look in the mirror and its your lucky day, your thighs are not touching, then you put your jeans on and now they are. Whatever, small victory. You walk to class ready to learn, but on the way you see a friend-quaintance, someone you haven't seen in awhile. You make eye contact from twenty yards away, the worst distance, too far to say anything, but too close to avoid them. You start to smile, then you realize you can't stop smiling till you get there, it starts to hurt, the smile gets bigger so you don't lose it. Then ten yards, its NOT THEM. Sheer panic sets in across your face, then the person you have been eying and grinning at starts to look at you quizzically. Then you start to look at them quizzically becuase not only do they look nothing like the person you mistook them for, but they look an awful lot like the guy from yesterday's Dateline. Two yards, now you just look constipated, which you probably are. STOP BUYING BURRITOS. Then they ask "are you okay?"
What can you say to that? JUST RUN.
Also, stop pretending you know people, you only know OF people.
You've been having an okay day. You woke up with your eyes not swollen from crying for once.You shower, look in the mirror and its your lucky day, your thighs are not touching, then you put your jeans on and now they are. Whatever, small victory. You walk to class ready to learn, but on the way you see a friend-quaintance, someone you haven't seen in awhile. You make eye contact from twenty yards away, the worst distance, too far to say anything, but too close to avoid them. You start to smile, then you realize you can't stop smiling till you get there, it starts to hurt, the smile gets bigger so you don't lose it. Then ten yards, its NOT THEM. Sheer panic sets in across your face, then the person you have been eying and grinning at starts to look at you quizzically. Then you start to look at them quizzically becuase not only do they look nothing like the person you mistook them for, but they look an awful lot like the guy from yesterday's Dateline. Two yards, now you just look constipated, which you probably are. STOP BUYING BURRITOS. Then they ask "are you okay?"
What can you say to that? JUST RUN.
Also, stop pretending you know people, you only know OF people.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Why don't we have Boyfriends?
Reasons to date us:
- Clean fingernails
- Flexible time schedule
This is how I dance not how I attract men
Dancing is an attitude.
No we don't all have the grace of a gazelle, or the passionate hip shaking talent of Shakira, but skillfully or not, we all attempt to express ourselves by moving our bodies, booties, etc. Whether or not this expression is of a violent nature leaving spectators in a position of harm, it's real, it's necessary, it's dancing.
Vertical dry humping, otherwise known as grinding, has become synonymous with dancing to our generation. But lets be honest moving your hips from side to side in a squatted position for who knows how long, where your only exit strategy is waiting till one of your girlfriends starts dancing with an ugly dude and you are required to save them, hurts. Its so hard to keep a beat so eventually it just devolves into you doing a head bang in a squat and not moving your hips at all, while the person you are grinding with is still holding on. Then comes the thrashing, their grip tightens, "I Want To Break Free" by Queen starts playing in your head, now you're dancing to the beat of two songs, you wonder if your schizo, your partner wonders if this is what automated bull-riding feels like.
It's the very worst when you get off beat with your "dancing" partner. You instantaneously become two puzzle pieces that don't fit, no matter how hard you try to force it, wiggle or squirm. You don't belong, everything feels wrong. You start to awkwardly laugh, as if it this misunderstanding between your bodies is cute, or funny, but really youre crying inside. "Why can't I make this work for even the 3 minute duration of this song?!...Will I always be alone? " That was an example of internal monologue we all experience. The human condition.
This doesn't happen to everyone, some people who have strong knees and muscular thighs are able to maintain a slow and sexy grind. They make it look so easy. Their hair is flowing as if it too is dancing, every strand, ever tendril...perfect. Most importantly they are not choking their partner with a mouthful of hair.
But for the rest of us dancing is an art form we just can't seem to master. It consist of bopping, flailing, lunging, and awkwardly jutting. We accept that we can't keep the beat even to a metronome, but we remain hopeful that one day we will find our equally lost puzzle piece.
One day we will all find UNITY on the dance floor.
No we don't all have the grace of a gazelle, or the passionate hip shaking talent of Shakira, but skillfully or not, we all attempt to express ourselves by moving our bodies, booties, etc. Whether or not this expression is of a violent nature leaving spectators in a position of harm, it's real, it's necessary, it's dancing.
Vertical dry humping, otherwise known as grinding, has become synonymous with dancing to our generation. But lets be honest moving your hips from side to side in a squatted position for who knows how long, where your only exit strategy is waiting till one of your girlfriends starts dancing with an ugly dude and you are required to save them, hurts. Its so hard to keep a beat so eventually it just devolves into you doing a head bang in a squat and not moving your hips at all, while the person you are grinding with is still holding on. Then comes the thrashing, their grip tightens, "I Want To Break Free" by Queen starts playing in your head, now you're dancing to the beat of two songs, you wonder if your schizo, your partner wonders if this is what automated bull-riding feels like.
It's the very worst when you get off beat with your "dancing" partner. You instantaneously become two puzzle pieces that don't fit, no matter how hard you try to force it, wiggle or squirm. You don't belong, everything feels wrong. You start to awkwardly laugh, as if it this misunderstanding between your bodies is cute, or funny, but really youre crying inside. "Why can't I make this work for even the 3 minute duration of this song?!...Will I always be alone? " That was an example of internal monologue we all experience. The human condition.
This doesn't happen to everyone, some people who have strong knees and muscular thighs are able to maintain a slow and sexy grind. They make it look so easy. Their hair is flowing as if it too is dancing, every strand, ever tendril...perfect. Most importantly they are not choking their partner with a mouthful of hair.
But for the rest of us dancing is an art form we just can't seem to master. It consist of bopping, flailing, lunging, and awkwardly jutting. We accept that we can't keep the beat even to a metronome, but we remain hopeful that one day we will find our equally lost puzzle piece.
One day we will all find UNITY on the dance floor.
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