Thursday, February 10, 2011

Supress the Psycho

We all suffer from delusions of adequacy, especially on weekends. Especially when we are in love. Stop being in love on the weekend, its never a good idea.

You start off the night, looking in the mirror, humbled by ALL your flaws. You instantly have appreciation for all those who have found it in their hearts to care for you, who even care about you in public. You leave the house with no intention of pressing your luck. No, not tonight.  But little do you know that a  repressed psycho fueled by alcohol induced confidence is lurking within you. Ready to sever every tie you have........ uh...tied.

You start off in the comfort of your closest friends. Laughing, joking, slapping, boosting each others egos. You fail to recognize the backhanded compliments of some. You take "Wow, somebody got a full night of sleep last night!" as "You look good!" No, you just look better, that doesn't mean good, or pretty. You start believing the obligatory well-crafted lies of others. You start thinking that maybe you've been selling short, you are actually really cool, everyone loves you! BIG mistake. Nevertheless, your ego begins to swell. You're feeling pretty average...a personal high. Maybe this is your lucky night.

There's a lull in conversation. You open your phone to find no missed calls, no new messages. Your finger finds the down button--shortcut to a new message. Why is this so simple? Why are there only two clicks to destroying your life? We don't realize how invaluable insecurity is. Most don't know that insecurity is your psycho's only kryptonite. When abandoned, social suicide is inevitable. The texting starts like this:

"hEyy you"
no response
"did yu get my txt? (emoticon of your preference)"
no response

You get the hint, you feel pretty bad, more drinking ensues. Twenty minutes and 4 shots later, you're starting to feel better. A rollercoaster of confidence. Texting round two! You look past the banner on your cell phone which reads " Don't get carried away. Keep the ego at bay" and decide to take a more direct approach this time. Caution to the wind!

"have yur way wit me"
no response 

Five minutes later you start to see the folly in your ways, time to remedy the texting them incessantly! Two (or 7) wrongs make a right, right?!

"have it yor way?"
NICE Burger King reference!
" Your way or teh highway?"
you're on a roll now 
"Which way? "
 two seconds later
" Sideways?"
 you answered your own question..poor form.
followed by 
 "Weighing ur options?"

Then you text yourself you to make sure you are still receiving texts.  You are. You've officially ruined your chances of ever being loved.

Because cell phones don't have a way of gauging if your confidence is appropriately low enough to text, ask yourself these few questions next weekend before you text someone your true feelings.

"How much do I weigh?" ...humbled.
"Has anyone called or texted me in the past 5 days?"....humiliated.

Okay great, that should stop you. Psycho suppressed.


  1. Oh wow guys, I have no words. literrallllly.

  2. Words are a testament to the human condition. We thank you. Human.