Friday, September 9, 2011

How To Make Friends

1. Carry around a nerf ball and the next time you are in a large group of people ask if anyone wants to throw it around, at least ten people will say yes, and then you will be the most popular person there.

2. Do not refer to sleepovers as 'consummating your friendship.' 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Art of Hugs

Hugs occur between two armed adversaries. Hug logistics is the discipline of planning and carrying out the body movement of hugs. They deal with conduct of an engagement: initiation, surface area contact, arm placement, and duration of embrace.

It is best to utilize a dynamic strategy that is sensitive to your opponents' arm geometry. The most common arm formations to look out for are horizontal and diagonal. Both situations sound simple enough, but have many embedded layers of complexity. If you are are dealing with horizontal arm to arm combat you have to decide whether to go over, encirclement of the neck, or under, encirclement of the waist. Also you must decide how much pressure to apply.  Usually height, sex, and intent will influence these decisions.

Hug conventions to consider:

Male-female hug with female arms on top
     if both parties are friends--cute
     if female is not you and male is your boyfriend-- slut

Male-female hug, crisscross arms
      If both parties are same age-- awk
      If one party is significantly older than other-- acceptable

Male- Male hugging -- always endearing

Female-Female hugging
      if one or both parties squeals- annoying
      if you are one of those females squealing-- awesome, now everyone sees how
      adorable you and your girlfriends are

The above has only considered mutual (agreement could be implicit or explicit) hugs, but for a comprehensive study we must consider antipositional hugging (when your opponent is lying or sitting and you are standing) and of course non-reciprocated hugging. Antipositonal hugging is always awkward do not do it, unless you are visiting someone in the hospital, then its still awkward but just do it.

Non-reciprocated hugging does not necessarily mean that your hug will not be returned. This terminology encompasses those hugs which are initiated by one side and are often returned, ambush hugs, and those hugs which are not returned, frontal assault hugs. When ambush hugging it is important to employ a coup-de-main attack, confidence and commitment are key. Any hesitation is seen as a sign of weakness and could result in the dreaded Hug-to-High-Five situation. You can easily tell if your ambush hug is actually a frontal assault hug becuase your opponent will immediately start the extraction process, or will pat you on the back with one hand. In this situation, its best to admit defeat.

If you want to be a winner at hugging. Only hug people you know will hug you back... your mom, anyone working for a tip, and Europeans.

Monday, April 18, 2011

A different, more successful perspective

Hello fellow SUMILLIE followers, I'm a friend of the writers who doesn't suck at getting boys. So, I've been invited to publicly display my talents in a series of SUMILLIE posts entitled "A Guide to Getting Dudes for Girls that Don't Get Dudes." A little background on me (and yes, I am ashamed about some of these): If there's one thing I have excelled at in life, besides not becoming a teen mom (yay twenties!), its stealing dudes from other girls. Yes, it's been bad, but let me tell you that nothing brightens a day like knowing a dude likes you more than his girlfriend.

On a less conniving note, I've honed my dude-catching skills and here are my gems of advice. I hope they are somewhat successful for you, as they have been for me:

1. Stay within your league. If you at least a 5, anyone is in your league because lets be serious--Dudes really just want to fuck. If the dude your into tells you something different, jump ship because he's gay.

2. Always smile when talking to a dude, unless you have an unusually gorgeous frowning face. Otherwise, smile.

3. Touch a dude in passing. Not while talking to him, only in passing. 

4. Look adoring. Smile with your eyes like your trying to woo Tyra Banks, and BE enthralled.

5. Don't make over the top sexual jokes. That's just awkward.
5b. Don't make other weird comments that you think will make the dude think your quirky and cool, like "I like dinosaurs/ninjas/distance (that doesn't even make sense?)/corn." Because even if you do like those things, you don't like them enough to talk about them. And if you DO like them enough to talk about, well then you're not even a 5, and you should hit up because I can only work with so little raw material.

6. Instead of stupid things, tell the dude random, funny anecdotes about you, and you with your friends. Mostly stories about being drunk are best. That way, the dude will know you have friends and will think that you're fun.

7. Hang out with girls that are uglier than you. Sub-5s are best for this.

8. AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE: After a dude knows that you are into him, and, thank the lord, he gives you the impression he's into you too, ignore him. Every time you initiate a text conversation you LOSE. Everytime the dude does, you WIN. Never lose more than you win because then if you do, you are in the midst of a losing season, and as you all know too well, no dudes want a loser. Be a winner, and then you won't be loser. Simple.

That's all for now. Good luck, and goodnight.

From One to Another

Dear Co-blogger,

Today I find myself willingly surrendered in the wide flung arms of procrastination. As I write this to you, I am cradled in the warm and loving embrace of my bed, nesting with my 5 pillows, 1 body pillow, and three stuffed animals: Blacky, Fluffy, and the head of that Moose you killed last week. In the throes of boredom, I suspiciously find myself writing notes to you on loose leaf paper at 3 in the morning, but today I decided to do something more permanent. Here's one for the textbooks, my lonely comrade, the summary of my day:

I missed my first class because I was having one of those rodeo dreams I always tell you about. And as usual I woke up tied to my bed with that lasso I bought off ebay. I'm not complaining, I mean those dreams are better than real life, but it takes me a good 20 minutes to undo.

I left my house with my hair down because I feel oddly liberated when it's blowing in the wind. Halfway through the day, and a half day later than everyone else, I felt bored with myself. Ready to reinvent myself I went to the bathroom, put my hair up and left a new woman.

My shoelace was untied today and someone was nice enough to tell me. I looked down and then he flicked me in nose. But I still think it was a kind gesture, after all tripping in public would have been worse than the nose flick, but then he tripped me. But at least someone noticed me. I think it was the deep blue eyeshadow I wore today. It's very elegant.

 You know what, forget it. My day sucked. Speaking of sucking, I can tell you about my love life. I seem to have misplaced it. I know you have some troubles in that department as well, so I just wanted to make sure that you knew you could talk to me about it whenever you want, I'm pretty good at giving advice, as someone who has a lot of experience under my belt concerning issues below the belt...I've seen a lot of Grey's Anatomy.

Anyways, I overheard someone talking about you in the library today. Don't worry I haven't noticed any of the weight they said you've gained. I also saw another girl wearing Uggs too, don't worry I'm sure everyone knows you got them first, yours are in much worse condition. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery....I guess rape is the least sincere.

Did you know I almost wore a skirt today?


Wednesday, April 6, 2011


In the spirit of self-sacrifice, we have asked all our guy friends to give up not dating us. People are not as religious as they used to be...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tips For A First Date

1. Ask him if he has ever masturbated directly after eating a bag of Cheetos

2. Accuse him of being defensive
This can be a little tricky, so here is an example:
(After coming back from being in the bathroom for 20 minutes) you: did you drink my water
him: no
you: stop being so defensive
him: I'm not, I really did not drink your water
you: chill out, its just water

3. If he tries to expand on a joke you made, pause, sigh, and then say "and scene"

4. Ask him to rate you on a scale of 9 to 10

5. (Courtesy of Amy Sedaris) Ask thought-provoking questions such as  " Does the sun make nosie?" or "How do you teach hope?"

New Campaign:

Hipsters, date us, NO ONE ELSE IS!

Friday, March 11, 2011

We Don't Give Anything But Consent

I guess you could call us hyper-feminists, becuase we don't expect to be treated equally, we expect everything to be done for us. We just want to sit there, silently, have you come over and start flirting. We want you to be smarter and funnier than us. We want you to call the next day. We want you to take charge. And if you expect us to get on top,  you better give us a shot of adrenaline and a protein bar . Losing a sneeze is more satisfying than being on top.  If we wanted to be active participants in our love lives we would be lesbians.

Stop Pushing Us Away With Your Affection

Sure call us feminists, just becuase we like to create our own non-existent battles.

We would never want to be with someone who would have us as their girlfriend. So, stop calling the next day. We take your interest as a sign of poor taste, just like your use of emoticons. Your compliments are just masked desperation.  They are less validating than personal best medals.  You don't even make us feel insecure about our appearance anymore.  What do we have to live for, if not your unrealized appreciation?

You know who else begs for attention, dogs! So, make me your bitch.

If we wanted constant approval we would get girlfriends.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

We Cry Most Days

To all our TWELVE followers,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING OBSESSED WITH US! You guys make it easier to stop crying.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Supress the Psycho

We all suffer from delusions of adequacy, especially on weekends. Especially when we are in love. Stop being in love on the weekend, its never a good idea.

You start off the night, looking in the mirror, humbled by ALL your flaws. You instantly have appreciation for all those who have found it in their hearts to care for you, who even care about you in public. You leave the house with no intention of pressing your luck. No, not tonight.  But little do you know that a  repressed psycho fueled by alcohol induced confidence is lurking within you. Ready to sever every tie you have........ uh...tied.

You start off in the comfort of your closest friends. Laughing, joking, slapping, boosting each others egos. You fail to recognize the backhanded compliments of some. You take "Wow, somebody got a full night of sleep last night!" as "You look good!" No, you just look better, that doesn't mean good, or pretty. You start believing the obligatory well-crafted lies of others. You start thinking that maybe you've been selling short, you are actually really cool, everyone loves you! BIG mistake. Nevertheless, your ego begins to swell. You're feeling pretty average...a personal high. Maybe this is your lucky night.

There's a lull in conversation. You open your phone to find no missed calls, no new messages. Your finger finds the down button--shortcut to a new message. Why is this so simple? Why are there only two clicks to destroying your life? We don't realize how invaluable insecurity is. Most don't know that insecurity is your psycho's only kryptonite. When abandoned, social suicide is inevitable. The texting starts like this:

"hEyy you"
no response
"did yu get my txt? (emoticon of your preference)"
no response

You get the hint, you feel pretty bad, more drinking ensues. Twenty minutes and 4 shots later, you're starting to feel better. A rollercoaster of confidence. Texting round two! You look past the banner on your cell phone which reads " Don't get carried away. Keep the ego at bay" and decide to take a more direct approach this time. Caution to the wind!

"have yur way wit me"
no response 

Five minutes later you start to see the folly in your ways, time to remedy the texting them incessantly! Two (or 7) wrongs make a right, right?!

"have it yor way?"
NICE Burger King reference!
" Your way or teh highway?"
you're on a roll now 
"Which way? "
 two seconds later
" Sideways?"
 you answered your own question..poor form.
followed by 
 "Weighing ur options?"

Then you text yourself you to make sure you are still receiving texts.  You are. You've officially ruined your chances of ever being loved.

Because cell phones don't have a way of gauging if your confidence is appropriately low enough to text, ask yourself these few questions next weekend before you text someone your true feelings.

"How much do I weigh?" ...humbled.
"Has anyone called or texted me in the past 5 days?"....humiliated.

Okay great, that should stop you. Psycho suppressed.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

7 Ways to Avoid Hooking Up With Anyone

We feel very qualified to give you advice on not hooking up since we are so experienced. Here are just a few of our own techniques:  

 1. Verbally dare them to hook up with you.

2. Break up with them before anything happens between the two of you.

The conversation will look something like this:
You: I think we should stop seeing each other
Them: We are not dating
You: You are taking this sooo well
Them: We never dated, I don't even know you.
You: I feel like I don't know the person you have become, either. This is exactly why we need to end things. I am so glad you agree.
Them: *walks away*
You: Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...

3. If they hug you, go limp in their arms, so when they let go you fall.

4. Follow them into the bathroom

5. Walk into a wall. 

6. Have someone else dare them to hook up with you.

7. Be yourself.

Hook up averted!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Crack Kills

All of you have that pair of jeans that fits perfectly when you are standing up and motionless, but the second you move, crack starts to show. We were going to write about this phenomena but we decided it was too revealing.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Advice for Awkward Situations: 1st Installment

Sometimes we see a stranger from afar and mistake them for someone we know.  Like that time you reached out to hug that guy and "he" turned out to be your body pillow, and you realize you went to bed alone...again. Mistaking someone you really don't know for a friend, however, is much more embarrassing than this private bedroom mix-up with your pillow. It usually starts something like this...

You've been having an okay day. You woke up with your eyes not swollen from crying for once.You shower, look in the mirror and its your lucky day, your thighs are not touching, then you put your jeans on and now they are. Whatever, small victory. You walk to class ready to learn, but on the way you see a friend-quaintance, someone you haven't seen in awhile. You make eye contact from twenty yards away, the worst distance, too far to say anything, but too close to avoid them. You start to smile, then you realize you can't stop smiling till you get there, it starts to hurt, the smile gets bigger so you don't lose it. Then ten yards, its NOT THEM. Sheer panic sets in across your face, then the person you have been eying and grinning at starts to look at you quizzically. Then you start to look at them quizzically becuase not only do they look nothing like the person you mistook them for, but they look an awful lot like the guy from yesterday's Dateline. Two yards, now you just look constipated, which you probably are. STOP BUYING BURRITOS.  Then they ask "are you okay?"

What can you say to that? JUST RUN.

Also, stop pretending you know people, you only know OF people.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Why don't we have Boyfriends?

Reasons to date us:

  • Clean fingernails
  • Flexible time schedule

 question answered.

This is how I dance not how I attract men

Dancing is an attitude.

No we don't all have the grace of a gazelle, or the passionate hip shaking talent of Shakira, but skillfully or not, we all attempt to express ourselves by moving our bodies, booties, etc. Whether or not this expression is of a violent nature leaving spectators in a position of harm, it's real, it's necessary, it's dancing. 

Vertical dry humping, otherwise known as grinding, has become synonymous with dancing to our generation. But lets be honest moving your hips from side to side in a squatted position for who knows how long, where your only exit strategy is waiting till one of your girlfriends starts dancing with an ugly dude and you are required to save them, hurts. Its so hard to keep a beat so eventually it just devolves into you doing a head bang in a squat and not moving your hips at all, while the person you are grinding with is still holding on. Then comes the thrashing, their grip tightens, "I Want To Break Free" by Queen starts playing in your head, now you're dancing to the beat of two songs, you wonder if your schizo, your partner wonders if this is what automated bull-riding feels like. 

It's the very worst when you get off beat with your "dancing" partner. You instantaneously become two puzzle pieces that don't fit, no matter how hard you try to force it, wiggle or squirm. You don't belong, everything feels wrong. You start to awkwardly laugh, as if it this misunderstanding between your bodies is cute, or funny, but really youre crying inside. "Why can't I make this work for even the 3 minute duration of this song?!...Will I always be alone? " That was an example of internal monologue we all experience. The human condition.

This doesn't happen to everyone, some people who have strong knees and muscular thighs are able to maintain a slow and sexy grind. They make it look so easy. Their hair is flowing as if it too is dancing, every strand, ever tendril...perfect. Most importantly they are not choking their partner with a mouthful of hair.

But for the rest of us dancing is an art form we just can't seem to master. It consist of bopping, flailing, lunging, and awkwardly jutting. We accept that we can't keep the beat even to a metronome, but we remain hopeful that one day we will find our equally lost puzzle piece.

One day we will all find UNITY on the dance floor.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Do you realize that I love you?

We are elusive. You won't see us, but we see you. That strong and invisible force that scares while it entices. We are... 
your biggest fan.

But seriously, we all stalk someone. We are all being stalked. Broccoli especially. Don't be ashamed, we're not. We all know someone that makes our palms sweat, among other things, yet they don't even know we exist. We see them and our heart flutters and we get nervous, nervous becuase we know that they wore that flannel yesterday, nervous becuase every time they look over we are staring at them, but mostly nervous of unrequited love. We're not even friends on Facebook. I see your limited profile. I see you comment on other people's pictures. People I do not know. But I still look because I want to know what you think of them, and if it's good then maybe I'll try to look like them a little more each day until you do notice me. Until it's my picture you're commenting on. Until we're.....Facebook official.