Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tips For A First Date

1. Ask him if he has ever masturbated directly after eating a bag of Cheetos

2. Accuse him of being defensive
This can be a little tricky, so here is an example:
(After coming back from being in the bathroom for 20 minutes) you: did you drink my water
him: no
you: stop being so defensive
him: I'm not, I really did not drink your water
you: chill out, its just water

3. If he tries to expand on a joke you made, pause, sigh, and then say "and scene"

4. Ask him to rate you on a scale of 9 to 10

5. (Courtesy of Amy Sedaris) Ask thought-provoking questions such as  " Does the sun make nosie?" or "How do you teach hope?"

New Campaign:

Hipsters, date us, NO ONE ELSE IS!

Friday, March 11, 2011

We Don't Give Anything But Consent

I guess you could call us hyper-feminists, becuase we don't expect to be treated equally, we expect everything to be done for us. We just want to sit there, silently, have you come over and start flirting. We want you to be smarter and funnier than us. We want you to call the next day. We want you to take charge. And if you expect us to get on top,  you better give us a shot of adrenaline and a protein bar . Losing a sneeze is more satisfying than being on top.  If we wanted to be active participants in our love lives we would be lesbians.

Stop Pushing Us Away With Your Affection

Sure call us feminists, just becuase we like to create our own non-existent battles.

We would never want to be with someone who would have us as their girlfriend. So, stop calling the next day. We take your interest as a sign of poor taste, just like your use of emoticons. Your compliments are just masked desperation.  They are less validating than personal best medals.  You don't even make us feel insecure about our appearance anymore.  What do we have to live for, if not your unrealized appreciation?

You know who else begs for attention, dogs! So, make me your bitch.

If we wanted constant approval we would get girlfriends.