Monday, January 31, 2011

Advice for Awkward Situations: 1st Installment

Sometimes we see a stranger from afar and mistake them for someone we know.  Like that time you reached out to hug that guy and "he" turned out to be your body pillow, and you realize you went to bed alone...again. Mistaking someone you really don't know for a friend, however, is much more embarrassing than this private bedroom mix-up with your pillow. It usually starts something like this...

You've been having an okay day. You woke up with your eyes not swollen from crying for once.You shower, look in the mirror and its your lucky day, your thighs are not touching, then you put your jeans on and now they are. Whatever, small victory. You walk to class ready to learn, but on the way you see a friend-quaintance, someone you haven't seen in awhile. You make eye contact from twenty yards away, the worst distance, too far to say anything, but too close to avoid them. You start to smile, then you realize you can't stop smiling till you get there, it starts to hurt, the smile gets bigger so you don't lose it. Then ten yards, its NOT THEM. Sheer panic sets in across your face, then the person you have been eying and grinning at starts to look at you quizzically. Then you start to look at them quizzically becuase not only do they look nothing like the person you mistook them for, but they look an awful lot like the guy from yesterday's Dateline. Two yards, now you just look constipated, which you probably are. STOP BUYING BURRITOS.  Then they ask "are you okay?"

What can you say to that? JUST RUN.

Also, stop pretending you know people, you only know OF people.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Why don't we have Boyfriends?

Reasons to date us:

  • Clean fingernails
  • Flexible time schedule

 question answered.

This is how I dance not how I attract men

Dancing is an attitude.

No we don't all have the grace of a gazelle, or the passionate hip shaking talent of Shakira, but skillfully or not, we all attempt to express ourselves by moving our bodies, booties, etc. Whether or not this expression is of a violent nature leaving spectators in a position of harm, it's real, it's necessary, it's dancing. 

Vertical dry humping, otherwise known as grinding, has become synonymous with dancing to our generation. But lets be honest moving your hips from side to side in a squatted position for who knows how long, where your only exit strategy is waiting till one of your girlfriends starts dancing with an ugly dude and you are required to save them, hurts. Its so hard to keep a beat so eventually it just devolves into you doing a head bang in a squat and not moving your hips at all, while the person you are grinding with is still holding on. Then comes the thrashing, their grip tightens, "I Want To Break Free" by Queen starts playing in your head, now you're dancing to the beat of two songs, you wonder if your schizo, your partner wonders if this is what automated bull-riding feels like. 

It's the very worst when you get off beat with your "dancing" partner. You instantaneously become two puzzle pieces that don't fit, no matter how hard you try to force it, wiggle or squirm. You don't belong, everything feels wrong. You start to awkwardly laugh, as if it this misunderstanding between your bodies is cute, or funny, but really youre crying inside. "Why can't I make this work for even the 3 minute duration of this song?!...Will I always be alone? " That was an example of internal monologue we all experience. The human condition.

This doesn't happen to everyone, some people who have strong knees and muscular thighs are able to maintain a slow and sexy grind. They make it look so easy. Their hair is flowing as if it too is dancing, every strand, ever tendril...perfect. Most importantly they are not choking their partner with a mouthful of hair.

But for the rest of us dancing is an art form we just can't seem to master. It consist of bopping, flailing, lunging, and awkwardly jutting. We accept that we can't keep the beat even to a metronome, but we remain hopeful that one day we will find our equally lost puzzle piece.

One day we will all find UNITY on the dance floor.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Do you realize that I love you?

We are elusive. You won't see us, but we see you. That strong and invisible force that scares while it entices. We are... 
your biggest fan.

But seriously, we all stalk someone. We are all being stalked. Broccoli especially. Don't be ashamed, we're not. We all know someone that makes our palms sweat, among other things, yet they don't even know we exist. We see them and our heart flutters and we get nervous, nervous becuase we know that they wore that flannel yesterday, nervous becuase every time they look over we are staring at them, but mostly nervous of unrequited love. We're not even friends on Facebook. I see your limited profile. I see you comment on other people's pictures. People I do not know. But I still look because I want to know what you think of them, and if it's good then maybe I'll try to look like them a little more each day until you do notice me. Until it's my picture you're commenting on. Until we're.....Facebook official.